A day at Gamescom 2017

Or, a genuine game blog post (but not really)

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The short version.

 

What surprised us the most?
Grapefruit beer

What surprised us the least?
Three kinds of sauce with some fries

What is our fondest memory?
The monstrous exodus fifteen minutes after the big Blizzard announcement

What is our biggest regret?
Never knowing what the announcement was about j/k we don’t fucking care

What would we like to see next year?
An AXE stand

 

***

 

The long version.

Our story begins at a two hour drive from Cologne, where ikdenal and yours truly are ravaging TheGiantMidget‘s fridge in search of provisions for what we thought would be a very expensive day out.

We were not mistaken.

 

Cheaper than water.

 

But after said two hour drive and another 15 minutes in a shuttle bus jam-packed with the palest, unhealthiest-looking people I’ve ever seen, we needed the air and the alcohol. Lucky for us, there were several open air trucks that catered to our every need.

 

  • It's like Farming Simulator, but without the farming.
  • Proof that anything can be cool if you're in a suspended force-feedback chair.
  • Probably the loneliest truck in the multiverse.
  • Prime wants you to light his darkest hour.
  • An entire truck for two square meters of motion capture silliness.

 

Inbetween the bratwursts and the saucy fries we even found a Brazzers stand…

 

People were gushing all over it.

 

Anyway, after we felt reinvigorated it was high time to check out the insides of Gamescom, and especially the coolest, raddest game on display…

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The Waiting Game

 

  • One sign to rule them all.
  • Crackdown 3, and other XBOXSXXXSSSXS stuff
  • Playerunknown's Battlegrounds, aka PUBG
  • SCHATTEN DES KRIEGES, aka Middle-Earth: Shadow of War
  • Ass Ass In Creed Origins, with some Sonic Mania to alleviate the pain
  • Definitive waiting.
  • Online swashbuckling in Sea of Thieves, with the tried-and-true current-gen colour palette.
  • God's Trigger, aka co-op Hotline Miami on xtc
  • A lot of unused waiting space.
  • Pure Farming 2018, or the PES to Farming Simulator's FIFA
  • Everybody's Golf balls

 

Being no huge fan of fans, we only stood our ground at venues with nary a queue, or cheated our way to a select number of games.

 

  • Robocraft Infinity, the template for Crossout but with lego chickens
  • Dragon Ball Fighter Z, the real reason we were playing Robocraft two feet away
  • No, we did not try the giant phone game on the right.
  • Huntdown, basically a very fun co-op Demolition Man (1994).
  • ERSPA, a game where you die a lot.
  • Oh. "EVERSPACE". Now I see it. L33t camskillz.
  • Safeguards, or at least the alpha version. Needs some spit and polish.
  • Serious Sam - I Hate Running Backwards. The dev clearly doesn't approve of my l33t camskillz.
  • Better. This backward vertical scrolling co-op game was pretty neat-o.
  • Windjammers, a revamped Neo-Geo game. I sucked. Hard.
  • Pankapu. We died. We suck.
  • Close up of face, to show our utter confusion at Unknown Fate.
  • This game is called The Quest For The Windows Activation Key.
  • Ah. That's not its real name at all.
  • E.T. on the Atari, with a documentary on how they found this piece of shit in a landfill. Queue face for confusion.
  • Guns, Gore and Canolli 2. A regular riot with two.

 

We also got to try Double Kick Heroesa game I wrote briefly about, but we made the mistake of (unknowingly) playing on advanced mode, and we failed. A lot. And very miserably. There was a lot of shouting. It was not pretty.

 

By far the coolest cabinets though.

 

We did come to Gamescom with a clear mission, and while TheGiantMidget was able to try out the new DayZ closed beta for 15 minutes, we could only weep at the never-decreasing amount of people at the Monster Hunter World venue. Here’s a picture of our sentiment.

 

Burnt Meat. A true hunter knows the pain.

 

Of course, these were not the only games that would stay beyond our impatient reach. Here’s a small selection for which our hearts ached.

 

  • Cuphead, the toons with 'tude.
  • Couldn't even get a decent shot of Star Citizen.
  • Because look at those hotdamn pants!
  • MOTHERGUNSHIP. Kind of like Unreal (1998), but with prettier colours.
  • To The Hell. That title. Wow.
  • Haimrik, where the pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you find a sword.
  • I should just go ahead and buy this already.
  • Frostpunk - from the team that made This War of Mine (2014) - reminded me why I should try for a press card.
  • Children of Morta. So close, yet so far.
  • I backed Legrand Legacy's kickstarter, but this did not help my case.

 

Other games we would steer very clear of, mainly because of the loud shrieking, the pungent smell, or the insane amount of people mashed together. For some reason the huge Blizzard venues were a fine mixture of all this.

 

  • After Dragon Ball Fighter Z, why would we?
  • BBBBB
  • LLLLL
  • IIIIII
  • ZZZZZZ
  • ARRRH
  • DDDDD
  • Capitalizing on the pretty good Sonic Generations (2011) to introduce yet another character? No shame.
  • OK then.
  • German AND chibi? Pass.
  • Crossout, free-to-p(l)ay, with fully upgraded vehicles for you to test. Hook, line, and sinker.
  • A for effort though.
  • Need For Speed Payback, you're taking up all the space.
  • Star Wars Battlefront II, you... space... stop it...
  • Oh my god we get it already.

 

The VR sections were representing like mad, with loads of people trying Fallout 4 VR or whatever they could get their hands and eyes on.

All we could do was stare.

 

  • Icaros, the VR flying rig. Jeans are entirely optional.
  • Robo Recall. Cage is also optional.
  • CaptoGlove. 100% captivating.
  • Cooler Master's VR parachute demo. Don't try this outside of your home.

 

The retro hall offered some sweet relief from all this human excess. Kids and their parents had a chance to try out the new and old, with smiles on their faces.

A sight for sore eyes.
And ears.
And nose.
And skin.
I think I got some of it in my mouth.

 

  • The very definition of retro.
  • Hermes, a new SEGA Dreamcast (1998) game
  • Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs, also a new Dreamcast game
  • Tanglewood, a new SEGA Genesis (1988) game
  • Antarex, also a new Genesis game
  • Retrofying pop music. This was cool until my ear drum ripped.
  • Multi-layered cutout artwork
  • Takes between 12 and 60 hours to create from original extracted data.
  • Not for sale yet. Copyright issues and all that.
  • Before my time honestly. (1982)
  • Super Burnout, on the Atari Jaguar (1993).
  • Wave your hand to cause catastic mayhem.

 

And you know it’s been a hard day when you’re trying to see a fully rendered CGI promo about a sexist browser game you care nothing about, and wobbling girls with giant wings are constantly blocking your view.

 

Y U DO DIS

 

That was as much as we could take, only to find out the day after that extra halls were being opened to the public, with more publishers and developers joining the fray. We were missing out on a lot…

So going to Gamescom is kind of like having to buy a season pass for an early access game, with lots of bugs and loading times, but you really really really need the whole package and this assault on your senses for multiple days in a row in order to have the full experience first and firsthand.

Meh.

I like games. But I love my sanity.

 

***

To wrap things up, these are the games and gears we laid one or more eyes on (sometimes even hands), and where to find them.

Euro Truck Simulator 2 (2013)
The Evil Within 2 (late 2017)
Crackdown 3 (2018)
Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds (early access)
Middle-Earth: Shadow of War (late 2017)
Assassin’s Creed Origins (late 2017)
Sonic Mania (2017)
Age of Empires – Definitive Edition (late 2017)
Sea of Thieves (late 2017)
God’s Trigger (2018)
Pure Farming 2018 (2018)
Destiny 2 (late 2017)
Robocraft Infinity (2018)
Dragon Ball Fighter Z (2018)
Huntdown (TBA)
Everspace (early access)
Safeguards (alpha)
Serious Sam – I Hate Running Backwards (TBA)
Windjammers (1994)
Pankapu (2016)
Unknown Fate (late 2017)
Black – The Fall (2017)
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
Guns, Gore and Canolli 2 (TBA)
Double Kick Heroes (TBA)
DayZ (early access)
Monster Hunter World (2018)
Cuphead (late 2017)
Star Citizen (TBA)
Super Fancy Pants Adventure (late 2017)
MOTHERGUNSHIP (TBA)
To The Hell (alpha)
Haimrik (late 2017)
Dead Cells (2017)
Frostpunk (late 2017)
This War of Mine (2014)
Children of Morta (TBA)
Legrand Legacy (late 2017)
Marvel vs. Capcom Infinite (late 2017)
Heroes of the Storm (2015)
Diablo III (2012)
StarCraft Remastered (2017)
Overwatch (2016)
World of Warcraft: Legion (2016)
Hearthstone (2014)
Sonic Forces (late 2017)
Agents of Mayhem (2017)
Final Fantasy
Crossout (2017)
Need for Speed Payback (late 2017)
Star Wars Battlefront II (late 2017)
Fallout 4 VR (late 2017)
the Icaros
the Vive
the Oculus Rift
Robo Recall (2017)
the CaptoGlove
Hermes (2017)
Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs (late 2017)
Tanglewood (late 2017)
Antarex (TBA)
BurgerTime (1982)
Super Burnout (1995)
MaoMao Castle (TBA)
League of Angels (2013)
League of Discord (2017)

 

Did you know that, when neglecting your mind, body and soul for ten hours straight, you could theoretically squeeze in a few minutes of gameplay from 12 to 20 games in 4 days time? The more you know.

 

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