Posted on June 28, 2016
[#] Our Very First Game Impression
And it all began with the number 2.
So here you are, reading mush-room’s very first article, created at the beginning and end of time,
forged in the fires of war and tempered during the lull of peace, inspired by the rise and fall of kingdoms, the birth and death of star systems, the push and pull of life, love, and everything that matters in our universe.
You can probably tell by now that we have no clue how to set out on our quest of educating the masses on jeux vidéos of all times, whether it be with faits divers – like the ‘how’ and ‘why’ behind the rigorously applied bust measurements in Soul Calibur – or with actual informative mush – as in why some Dragon Ball games do matter and which ones should be kameha’d straight into the bottomless depths of cash cow hell.
So we came up with a plan.
Some might call it ingenious.
Others not so much.
We said to ourselves, “why not go about this… ALPHABETICALLY.”
And thus we eliminated reasoning from the equation henceforth. Who needs it anyway?
And what’s at the beginning of every alphabetical list? That’s right. Numbers.
Let’s pick one, for starters. Start slowly. Give ‘em an inch and they’ll annexe the whole alphabet.
And somewhere along the line I very randomly and arbitrarily got stuck with the number 2.
It’s a good number.
It shows you’ve got a pair.
It might not be as influential as, say, 42, but it is in many ways part of it, if not basically the same, looked at from a different angle or dimension.
But here’s the catch: I can’t think of any games that start with a 2.
I can think of bands that start with a 2.
2 Fabiola , 2 Unlimited and 2ManyDJs are perfect examples.
I can think of movies that start with a 2.
2 Guns… 2 Fast 2 Furious… hell, I can never even unthink 2 girls 1 cup.
But a game? Nope. Nada. Njet, niente, nein, non, いいえ, 不, لا…
We can cheat though. I went to school once, I had practice.
I could tell you in length about Two Worlds, the Oblivion that wasn’t, or Two Worlds II, the Skyrim that still isn’t.
Or how about that Two Souls game, where Ellen Page and Willem Dafoe try to fill Heavy Rain’s big, clunky shoes? With moderate success I might add.
I, for one, had a riot ‘playing’ it with my partner.
Note to self:
Don’t force console games with ethereal X-and-Y-axis movement unto someone without prior controller experience. You’re gonna have a nauseating time.
Dang it, I’d even go for Two Brothers, or Brothers – a Tale of Two Sons, or Tortuga – Two Treasures, or goddamn Half-Life 2 Episode 2, the closest we ever got to the next coming of Christ.
In all sincerity, the most interesting one would be 20XX, an – as of writing – early access procedurally generated co-op roguelike that shows a lot of Roqueman love, but it would defeat our credo of offering only impressions of full-fledged games. And besides, 20XX isn’t really a ‘2’, now is it?
I give in.
Mobile it is.
Gamers will game.
The Wild West is not how I remember it.
After a long, hard day of shooting snakes in the face and bandits in the back, all you want to do is claim your reward, kick back and enjoy the sunset. Instead, just when you reach the inn, aka the proverbial end of the line, and all its promised glory, the world comes crashing down around you. Preferably right before you hit the save point. Furthermore, at random intervals your touch buttons get stuck, so one minute you turn into an obsessive wall hugger, the next you go Dirty Harry all over the place.
And don’t get me started on the twilight casinos, where you can play memory games for extra cash. Failed a guess? Not to worry.
Add some mine carts, a double-jumping horse, or a wall-climbing bull that destroys anything in its path, and you’ve got half the recipe of a poor man’s 8-bit Donkey Kong Country. With guns.
Granted, you lose your sh… cash Sonic-style every time you inadvertently hit a baddie, and gun powder barrels – indistinct from regular barrels – blow up in your trigger-happy face more often than not, but apart from that it’s fairly easy to traverse the wild wastes and collect rewards for quests you didn’t even know you were undertaking.
If you have a decent phone.
Actually no, that’s a consumerist lie. Even though the game definitely runs a bit better on a recent iPhoney or faplet, the glitches occur on all devices.
HOWEVER, when everything goes right, the game works like you’d expect a genuine GameBoy platformer to work.
And it’ll take you right back to that era where you needed 4 extra AA-batteries on you at all times.
But if its all the same to you I’ll just stick with mah boy Clive.
Or did you have high hopes for Round Two?
Or maybe you’re more of a futuristic anthropomorphic hogs person?
Cascadia Games got you covered.
All things said and done, we grant 2-bit Cowboys…
2-bit Cowboy was released in May, 2014 and is ‘playable’ on iOS and Android.
Big ups and downs to... Nyan Cat, by Christopher Torres Dragon Ball Evolution, by Dimps Corporation and Namco Bandai Games Mortal Kombat, by Ed Boon and John Tobias 2 Fabiola, by Patje Krimson and Zohra South Park, by Trey Parker and Matt Stone Gordon Freeman from Half-Life, by Valve 20XX, by Batterystaple Games Angry Birds, by Rovio Entertainment Red Dead Revolver, by Rockstar San Diego Donkey Kong Country, by Rare and Nintendo Nokia 3310, by Nokia 2-bit Cowboy AND 2-bit Cowboy Rides Again, by Crescent Moon Game and Cascadia Games Ammo Pigs, by Cascadia Games